Hillah, Iraq.
Being deployed is not hard for the reasons one might think. It is not the shortages, the physical discomfort, or the bad food. One gets used to gunfire. Mosquitoes and stench are tolerable, and I am amazed how one’s definition of ‘sanitary’ is sliding with regard to public bathing facilities and lavatories.The worst part is feeling forgotten.
Saving a few brief notes included in supply packages, I have received three cards and no letters since I have been here. I can accept this as the writing of corporeal letters is going the way of glass milk bottles, and, honestly, who keeps stamps around anymore?
The real surprise lay in email. I continue to receive a lot of email from people I have never met who wish me well. This does a lot to keep my spirits up. Initially, I received a wealth of supportive email from friends and family, which was priceless. Sadly, enthusiasm has waned. I have not received anything from some rather close friends in over a score of days, and none at all from others. But I realize that everyone is busy with the day to day requirements of living out their lives. People have social obligations and careers, spouses and families, and a whole galaxy of responsibilities, privileges, and past times, and the effort to remember to open up the address book, or hit Reply, grows harder with each passing day.Absence, it would appear, does not make the heart grow fonder.I talked to my Beautiful Bride a couple of times in the last few days. It did not really go as I had hoped.
– She says she has not been happy in our marriage for a year or more.
– She will definitely be there when I get back.
– She definitely wants to work to improve our relationship.
– She does not want to begin to work things out until I get back.
On this last point, I can see her way of thinking because it will be hard if not impossible to work things out with email and the occasional phone call. I can see that things have not been so good for the last year, but this is not *entirely* my fault. While I am happy that she is interesting in making things better, it is very, very difficult for me to honor her request to wait until I get home.
She has devoted herself to her work to keep herself occupied, a luxury that I don’t have. In the mean time, I am sad that we are on the outs.I feel that I cannot win in trying to make things better. She has accused me of being co-dependent. Then she asks me if I “really need her”? If I say ‘yes’, I appear co-dependent. If I say ‘no’, that doesn’t help make our marriage better.
I have no idea how to make things better. I appear to have no clue about how to make her happy. I called her to just chat, but I couldn’t get her attention from a memo she was working on. I have no idea if I should call her more or less. Email is right out as she hasn’t answered any of mine in days, excepting a few quick lines or something in reference to something I can do for her.The worst part is being forgotten. I get email from strangers wishing me well, which is nice. I get occasional notes from my parents that keep my spirits up. My father in law has written, but only after I ask for help keeping my marriage together. My sisters in law haven’t written in weeks. My brother has written a couple of times, but mostly about moving to Ireland. My friends don’t even write anymore.
And my wife….my wife who has yet to write a letter, yet has time to go hiking on the weekends with friends from work. My wife who cannot manage to mail a card to wish her husband well, but has time to go tubing with friends. My wife who cannot take five minutes away from writing a memo to talk to her husband who is off at war, but has evenings free to go to concerts. My wife who made it known that she finds it a bother if I call her at work, but has plenty of time at work to plan weekend trips with her friends.
But I can’t say anything now, because that would be ‘fixing the relationship’. The wonder of the situation is that she has made me out to be the bad guy in this. It takes two to make a relationship work, and I really don’t think she has done her part, either.
I am beginning to wonder if it will be worth it if she is there when I get back. Apparently, a husband is a bit of a burden to her, and really cuts into her work time and social life. I can’t seem to make her happy, so maybe she will be happier with no husband.